It’s amazing how we don’t realize how lost and out of control we are until after the Holy Spirit reveals it to us. For me, it was the fact that I was idolizing my boyfriend. And the crazy part is I had no idea until I attended a women’s conference.
Prior to the conference, I was having a lot problems in my relationship. We had been arguing so much that I had no peace about being in a relationship with him. Mind you, we had been dating for about a year and a half at this point with the intent to marry. And now I was convinced that I was supposed to break up with him.
What I failed to realize was that I had no peace because God was asking to take His rightful place back on the throne. He was asking me to surrender my boyfriend, and now that I’m on the other side, I can see how I had made him an idol. So to save yourself and help you establish some healthy emotional boundaries within your own relationship, here are 4 signs that will prevent you from making your boyfriend an idol too.
1. You run to him before you run to God.
For example, every time I felt like I was going through a difficult situation, I found myself calling my boyfriend first. Especially when we got into arguments, I would want to stay on the phone for long periods of time rather than sort my feelings by myself or with God. I clung to the short-term comfort he gave rather than the sustainable comfort God could provide.
Stop clinging to the short-term comfort man can give, and cling to the sustainable comfort only God can provide. Click To TweetI have come to truly understand that you are going to see parts of your partner that you don’t like. Even worse, you’ll see parts of yourself that you don’t like either. This is common when growing in an intimate relationship with someone, and emotions are a part of the package.
However, there will be moments as women when we have to process our emotions, and only God is the perfect counselor. If you get into an argument with your partner, either take time to yourself to pray and present your situation before God prior to communicating with your partner OR communicate with your partner and take your burdens to the throne afterwards.
Either way, Jesus is the only one who died on the cross for you, which means that He is the only one who truly understands your makeup. Only He can help restore you when your emotions are spilling over. Learning how to discipline yourself is a part of the purification process that comes with being a Christian; it’s actually one of the fruits of the spirit. You can’t grow or heed where the Holy Spirit is leading if you are spending all your time with your partner – both physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
2. You ask him to fill needs only God can fill.
This can look different in every relationship but for me, I was looking for my boyfriend to give me words of affirmations. It got to a point where I was feeling discontent whenever I didn’t hear affirming words consistently or didn’t hear them the way that I wanted to.
I’m still discovering where this desire comes from, but I did realize that I had an expectation for my partner that was slightly unrealistic. Yes, your partner should be able to do the things that you like, but enter into your relationship emotionally full so that you will be content even when you don’t receive the [insert your need here] that you’re looking for.
A good indication that you may be too discontent in your relationship is if you hear your boyfriend say something along the lines of, “It doesn’t matter what I do, I feel like you’ll never be satisfied.” In those moments, you must immediately turn to God and examine yourself. Think about whether you’re asking for too much or becoming a nagging/complaining woman.
3. Your mood is dependent on how your relationship is going.
In my case, I was easily led by my emotions. If something wasn’t going right in the relationship, I would let seeds of doubt or anxiety manifest to the point that I actually felt like my flesh was taking over my ability to have emotional self-control.
For example, one of my best friends came over to spend the weekend with me since we hadn’t hung out in over a year. You would think that I would have used that time intentionally. Instead, I was too worried about the argument I had with my boyfriend the night before. I couldn’t enjoy time with my friend because I spent majority of my time concerned about my relationship.
I even called my boyfriend that weekend and talked to him for an hour while my friend was STILL at my apartment. It got so bad that my friend ended up going on a date because I was too busy sulking rather than giving her my undivided attention.
Thankfully, my friend showed me a lot of grace, but I should have treated her better. I am not saying that it’s unnatural to feel upset whenever something is going on in your life, but it shouldn’t spill over to other areas of your life. It shouldn’t affect you so much that you are obsessed by it. In doing that, you are letting your relationship control you and you are worshipping it. That’s an idol.
4. Your spiritual life feels dry.
This can range from feeling so distracted and detached whenever you’re spending time with God to actually not wanting to spend time with Him at all. For me, this is exactly what happened. What used to be an exciting time to seek God’s presence ultimately turned into a time where I had to convince myself to sit still long enough to read my Bible.
Even then, those times weren’t exactly refreshing. They were frustrating. And looking back, I think this occurred because I was too busy making my boyfriend my god rather than Christ the center of my life.
Something Changed
Many of these signs are not blaring. In fact, they’re rather subtle, and they can sneak up on you if you’re not careful. Flashback to the women’s conference, there was one moment where things changed for me. I remember standing there at the alter wrestling with myself and with God. The worship leader was ministering to us, and he asked us to release the thing that we were toiling with. As you can guess, my boyfriend was the thing I knew I needed to release.
In that moment, I was convinced that I was supposed to break up with him. I knew I didn’t want to and I knew I would be heartbroken, but I was willing to surrender him because he wasn’t worth my peace. I wanted to be obedient and choose nothing more than God’s best for my life. So I released him, and then I told God He could have him.
But I wasn’t expecting that we’d still be together today. My boyfriend and I were finally able to resolve things, and since that moment at the altar, I have had peace about our relationship. In gaining that peace, I finally understood what was going on. It was an Abraham-almost-kills-Isaac-but-God-spares-him moment. It may have taken several conversations with married women and a whole women’s conference, but I was finally able to realize that my boyfriend was not the problem, it was me.
So I hope this post was helpful to you! If you’re looking for a way to put God back on the throne, then I encourage you to sign up for this free devotional/challenge where we’ll commit to spending time with God daily and discover what it means to be in a relationship with Christ! Let me know in the comments how you have established healthy emotional boundaries within your own relationship.
Hanha Parham is a Christian author and speaker. Her personal mission is to provide the millennial woman that wants to experience more of God fun and practical resources that help them confidently believe who God has called them to be. When she is not encouraging others or writing her heart out, she enjoys watching Grey’s Anatomy, drinking iced chai lattes from Starbucks, and connecting with friends on Instagram. Come say hi!
Truly enjoyed reading this post! I hesitated when clicking on it at first, because like you, I didn’t want to admit that it might be me that’s the problem, but after reading it, I feel like I need to take my conflictions to God in prayer and work on bringing my problems to God first instead of my bae. Thank you for this posts! Can’t wait to read more!
AnnaMae, thank you so much for your sweet comment and for taking the time to read this post! I’m the same as you just as you read. It just goes to show that there will always be a fight with our flesh to put God first. The flesh screams “Me,” while the spirit convicts us to keep balance. Love your thoughts!
Great post, I pray that I never fall into this trap. It’s honestly so unfair to place unrealistic expectations on another person so that your needs can be met ( they would not even be met…)
I know exactly what you mean! Definitely have been there and I’m still learning to grow!
I identify with this post so much. You and I are very alike. Before I got in a relationship, I was focused on God and was content. I have now been dating my boyfriend for a year intentionally with marriage on our minds. However, in April we hit a snag where he was overwhelmed with everything he had going on a began to pull back. I panicked and felt completely devastated at the thought of losing him. After trying to seek him and essentially convince him not to throw us away, I turned to God. I told God to take him, but I was not surrendering. I was just trying to get an answer so that I could begin healing as quickly as possible from the pain if God was going to take him. But God did not take him. Eventually, my boyfriend came to a decision that he wanted to continue pursuing me. Gone was the cold guy that I felt was going to abandon me, and back was the affectionate guy I had fallen in love with. I thanked God, but deep down I still new that idolizing him was a battle for me. And I was still idolizing him because there has always been a cloud of fear of losing him. In addition, anytime there is any sort of conflict my mood plummets and my appetite disappears. It has gotten to the point where I’m almost always in a fearful mood out of fear that something could go wrong even when things are fine. On top of that, I have become more critical of him. Nothing he does lately is enough. I know he is still an idol for me. God hates idols. It is time for this idol to be broken. I thought about breaking up with him: not because I wanted to, but just to get rid of the fear. Then I realized that by doing that I would still have the same problem the next time a guy came around. I think God has allowed the relationship to continue because He is good and knows that if I put it in its proper place, this relationship will be good. Unfortunately I write this, not in victory, not reflecting over a broken idol, but in the midst. This morning I made the decision and I asked him if we could fast from each other for 5 days. We’re long distance, so this just means communication. He agreed and said he would be praying for me. (Consistent with my idolizing ways, I wanted him to tell me how much he was going to miss me, but he was completely unemotional and that hurt). This thought confirmed it for me. Now I will spend the next five days giving everything I got to break this idol. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I have to try or I will never experience the true joy of being in a godly relationship while living freely surrendered to God’s plans. Please pray for me because I don’t even really know where to start and I am afraid that in 5 days I will be in the same spot. I am fasting intentionally to break this stronghold, an my God is able to do the impossible so hopefully I will return to this blog with a testimony. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi Ru! Thank you for taking the time to comment on this post, and share what it is that you’re going through! I completely understand, but I want to offer you some encouragement. God loves you SO SO much, and as I was reading your comment, I noticed that there was a reoccurring theme throughout your words. Your boyfriend may be an idol in your life, but that is not the root of your problem. It’s actually a symptom.
The problem is your fear, and fear is showing itself in your relationship, with your boyfriend becoming an idol as a result. Fear is the stronghold in your life, not your boyfriend and I pray that you will be encouraged by this because you can root it out with God’s Word! God has not given you the spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)! He’s given you the power to demolish strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:4). 1 John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out all fear, and the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is the same power that lives on the inside of you (Romans 8:11)!
You’ve got this! As you continue to confess the Word of God in your life, you will start to see your circumstance change. It may sound so simple, but God’s Word is really that powerful! Your beliefs towards God will change and your beliefs towards people (including your boyfriend) will change because you will become more rooted in God’s love for you and what He says about you.
Ao as you start this fast, I would encourage you to ask God to reveal where that fear comes from. Ask Him to show you why you are so scared to lose your boyfriend, and then find scripture that will speak to that fear and tell it that it has to go. Write them down, and repeat them OUT LOUD every day. I have a couple of posts on this:
http://www.cleartransparency.com/reflection/daily-confessions-changed-life/
http://www.cleartransparency.com/scripture/number-1-weapon-to-fight-the-enemy/
I’ll be praying for you! Praying that you would have a fresh encounter with God and that you would get a better picture of how much He loves and cares about you! You are so loved. <3
This. This right here is me. I am astonished about how specific it is to me and my situation. I relate to both of you at such a crazy level, I know God brought me here. Thank you both for your honesty and clarity. Months after this was posted and it’s still touching people. Now to work with God on where this fear comes from, and how to knock it out!
AMEN!! I love when God ministers to us like that. Praying that you continue to dive into a place of self-discovery with Him! <3
Thank you for this! I was comforted through this post. But can I ask something? Can you give me some practical advice on how to surrender my Isaac?
Hi Christine! That is a really good question! The practical way to do that is honestly taking that to God and really talking about that with Him. When it comes to surrendering, it’s a heart position and there’s nothing we can really “do” about it. That’s why it’s sometimes so hard. It requires you to be diligent and aware about how you’re feeling and watching your actions, and when you notice yourself outstepping any boundaries you’ve created, it’s going back to God in prayer and asking for forgiveness and asking Him to be the center of it all again. I know this is not the easiest answer, but I hope it helps!
Hi! So, I came across this whilst surfing Pinterest [ specifically quotes on ‘Godly relationships’ ]. This brought tears to my eyes, for I can RELATE. You see, my boo and I have been together for 6 months now and we’ve been close for over a year now. So, this is my first ‘Godly relationship’ in a sense of : a pastor approved and encouraged, I prayed etc etc. So, yeah, we came together quite beautifully. Now, six months in and I have been bombarded with fears, insecurities, anxiety. I have this nagging fear that Abba Father is gonna ‘take him away from me’. An issue of rejection is at hand, obviously. I could relate to all that you’ve said and especially the part where you were willing to ‘sacrifice your boyfriend’. I keep on fearing that I need to do that. But then that’s like chucking away a massive blessing , because I can’t ‘handle’ it. I appreciated this post SO MUCH. I am busy learning to run to Abba FIRST and not to rely on my boo as if he’s the only source. God is the Only Source. So, thank you! xx
Zanè, I’m so glad this post blessed you! I will be praying for you and your boyfriend, praying that you both keep God at the center! Continue to be led by Him. He will tell you what to do! <3
I also am relating to this so much. In the past month, I have had an extreme amount of anxiety and fear that have surfaced around my relationship and the future of my relationship. He is God-fearing and loves me well, so I know the problem is not him but rather me. God has shown me that I have put my boyfriend first over Him and I believe God won’t release me of this anxiety and fear until I finally learn to give up that number 1 spot to God. The struggle is learning how to do that and learning how to adapt to my boyfriend being in his proper place- someone I love and that adds to my life but that isn’t the center of it. Until then, I continue to have a million worries that are unfounded (do I love him? will we be happy together?) since I know them to be true. I too will take a few days away from speaking to him since we are long distance and just pray fervently that God releases me of these anxieties and fears and that I learn how to make God my priority. I believe then my relationship will again be a place of peace and rest for me. Please pray for me and share any other tidbits you have as I am going through this incredibly hard journey.
Thank you for this post!!! I am also blessed with this!!! 🙂 God bless you always!
I haven’t had a boyfriend yet but this post has been really helpful. I’ve had a guy friend whom I didn’t even notice nor consider admirable at first but after a year that we’ve been acquaintances, we became close after I helped him out with his problem that has been very difficult on his part, I suddenly developed some feelings for him which has been a struggle for me to resist. God pointed out to me that it was idolatrous,. The feelings have been a struggle to me for years which has caused my small group to break down as a leader and my other relationships to collapse because of my over attachment. Recently, God has been pointing it out again, providing closures to each part, reestablishing my foundations spiritually as I prepare for my post-graduate studies. He is currently enrolled there in the same University and college but different major.
Hi there, Pr! I will definitely be praying for you and praying for you to have good, healthy boundaries so that you can continue to grow in your own relationship with God. I can only imagine how difficult it must be, especially if you have feelings for the guy. But I pray that the Holy Spirit will direct and guide you in what you should do and how you should do it. Sending you a BIG hug!
I am going through the EXACT same things as everyone else here. So much so I’ve tried drowning everything out with drugs, alcohol and even harming myself just to stop all the noise. When I say noise I mean fear. Fear that I’ll never be good enough, fear that I’ll have to give my boyfriend up as an “Isaac sacrifice” , fear that I’ll always choose my boyfriend over God, and fear that one day God will give up on me because my love for my boyfriend is greater than my love for Him. For the most part I know where this fear comes from (although I plan on asking God for more insight), it comes from the fact the my Dad left my family and I when I was a kid. I was a total daddies girl, he was everything to me. And when he left (regardless of his abusive nature towards my mother) it hurt me. And ever since then I’ve been trying to fill the void with men. Now all the men in the past have been toxic and simply not right for me, but the one I have now is truly God sent. Unfortunately, I’ve been screwing it up with my rooted fears. Its like I subconsciously expect him to be everything my father wasn’t….and that is not fair. Especially considering he’s perfect the way he is.
In this moment I’ve decided to take some necessary steps towards “breaking my idol”. I say in this moment because my moods and decisions tend to change as quickly as the time of day. But I’m praying I remain consistent in my efforts. I know fasting is key to breaking this idol, so that’s my next step.
PLEASE pray for me because I can’t do this alone.!
Hey Aleah, I’ll definitely be praying for you! Something I would encourage you to also do is spending consistent time with God, mainly resting in His love. God loves you SOOOOO much. There is nothing that you can do that can make Him love you any more or less than He does in this exact moment. Just continue to meditate on love scriptures and the let the Word wash over you. As you read your Bible and those love scriptures, ask the Holy Spirit what the verses mean. Ask God to give you a deeper revelation of His love for you! I think that this will be a good starting place if any. Love you! <3
This post truly opened my eyes so much. I’ve been having some unrest about being with my boyfriend for a while now. The Holy Spotify graciously opened my eyes to the fact that it’s because I’m making him an idol in my life instead of making God the King of my heart. Thank you so so much for sharing this and being honest. I read this blog post a few days ago and since then, I’ve truly seen God change my eyes, heart, and mind. I no longer feel like I need my boyfriends affection because I believe that God is the only One that can give me everlasting satisfaction. When I say this post helped me, I meant this post helped me!!!! Thank you Hanha!!!! <3
AMEN!! So glad that God is providing you with the revelation you need to put your hope and trust back in Him! He’s so faithful. <3
i have a question. How were you making your boyfriend an idol?
Hey Krystal! Is your question for me or for Kate? I wanted to make sure I was clear on who you were asking! 🙂
Hi there! I have a question. I am struggling because I think God has used this post and some other things to confirm that I’ve made an idol of my relationship with my fiancé. I’ve been deeply afraid and anxious for months that God wants/will ask me to leave this relationship, and that terrifies me. I love my fiancé so much, but there is a practical side to it as well – we have spent a lot of money and energy on our upcoming wedding, and it’s in two short months. I know God is good and can do all things and sustains us, but I can’t see how it would be WISE for us to end the relationship. We love each other deeply and have a very peaceful connection to each other. Like many have said before me, the problem is with me, not my fiancé. Is it possible that God can work in this for me and allow us to stay together, him helping me to learn to no longer put my fiancé or our relationship in the place of God?
Hi Kris! Thanks so much for your comment. To answer your question, it is definitely possible for God to work in you and allow you to still remain together with your fiance! There’s so much to say here, but you will have to ask yourself, is this the man that God has led you to marry? If he is, then that’s awesome and God may have been using these last few months to reveal areas you need to work on to ensure that you keep HIM at the center rather than your fiance. You may be in a season where God is growing and maturing you, which is ultimately preparing you for your marriage! On the other hand, God could also be showing you that you may not be ready for marriage or this is not the man you should marry, but only you know deep down inside if this is the case.
Either way, God has not given us the spirit of fear, so the fact that you feel anxious and scared is not from God! I’d encourage you to take some time to give that to God and trust Him with your heart. God loves you so much and at the end of the day, whatever the outcome, ALL things are working for your good! He is either helping you grow or he is saving you from a lifetime of pain.
But to me and based on what your community is saying to you, it sounds like you need to give God your fiance and reset your heart to put God first in your life! Establishing healthy emotional boundaries may be helpful too and I’d recommend the book, The Emotionally Healthy Woman by Geri Scazzero. It’s worked wonders for me! Praying for you!! <3